


Stretchy Boyfriends and Innuendos

by malevolentstorm



Series: Everything's better with blackmail. [2]
Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Harry Hart is a Little Shit, M/M, Merlin is not paid enough, Shitty Puns, and a dirty bastard, and innuendos, i guess, kinda cracky?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-30
Updated: 2015-06-30
Packaged: 2018-04-06 23:28:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4240776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malevolentstorm/pseuds/malevolentstorm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin hates his job. Harry and Eggsy need to learn to remove their glasses and Harry is such a shit its not even funny. No seriously just stop.<br/>Lots of heavy implications from which Merlin will never recover.<br/>~~~~~~~<br/>"You’re still wearing your glasses”<br/>Silence. An arm raised up to touch the side of the sleek black frames that were indeed, perched upon Harry’s nose.<br/>The silence continued. Harry cleared his throat. “Shit.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stretchy Boyfriends and Innuendos

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my second fic. Ever.  
> Beta'd by my wonderful friend beautifuldaydreams who co-authored with me on the previous fic in the series.  
> Her one should be up soon...  
> Please enjoy and apologies if you don't...
> 
> Disclaimer: I am very sad and do not own anything.
> 
> EDIT: just trying to format it dont mind me

Eggsy lay with his head pillowed on Harry’s chest. Slowly his eyes began to slip shut as he started to drift off. A thought struck him . “Harry?”

Harry hummed back. This was of course an indication that he was, in fact, still awake and functioning despite the -ah- vigorous exercise. Proving that no Eggsy he was not that old and yes he really could do that and if you really thought he couldn’t then Challenge Accepted And Beaten Into The Fucking Ground. Point well and truly proven thank you very much Eggsy.

“Did you- Are- … You’re still wearing your glasses”

Silence. An arm raised up to touch the side of the sleek black frames that were indeed, perched upon Harry’s nose. The silence continued. Harry cleared his throat.

 

“Shit.”

 

* * *

 

Harry was sat at his desk filling out the paperwork regarding his latest mission. Technically he should have done it last night - he should have also been debriefed last night - but instead he had gone home. Thinking about it he should have done a lot of things last night but to be honest the only thing he had done was Eggsy. It would be fair to say at this point that Harry was drifting slightly off topic and was no longer filling in the appropriate forms. He was just kind of sitting, staring into space, chewing on the end of his pen.

 There is no telling how long he would have continued in this vein of thought as he was suddenly, and very rudely, brought back to the harsh reality of endless filing by both of his office doors being slammed open by what appeared to be an irate Merlin. Harry quickly pretended to be working.

 “Ah, good morning Merlin. How are you today?”

 “You are an inconsiderate prick Harry Hart.”

 

Harry continued to look at the report in front of him. If he looked up then whatever expression Merlin was currently wearing, and it was bound to be a good one, would make him crack him up; and then the game would be over. Not that Harry didn’t want to see his face (because he did, he really did) it was just that Harry Hart had always been a bit of a bastard and wanted to drag this out as long as possible. 

“If you’re referring to my breaking of that gadget you gave me I have already apologized.”

 “You know that is not what I’m on about” Merlin finally let the doors swing shut as he stalked towards Harry's desk. Harry’s gaze remained locked on the paperwork. “You are such a wanker. Also, there is no way your desk is really that interesting.”

 “No but the stuff on top of the desk is quite important. If you’re not referring to the gadget then I assume it must be my habit of jumping out of windows in tense situations. My apologies, even Eggsy tells me I need to stop. Although sometimes he joins in…”

 “Really?” Merlin looked a bit shocked and for a moment Harry almost believed he had gotten away with it.

 “Hmm yes. He enjoys shouting ‘parkour’ at me when I do it too.”

 “Well that is certainly interesting information. However do not think for one second that I haven’t realised you have changed the topic.” Merlin began to lean over the desk threateningly. Harry finally straightened back in his chair, studiously avoiding eye-contact with the definitely irritated Scotsman.

 “Darn, you foiled me” Harry was at this point, struggling to keep his face straight and his tone deadpan. Merlin’s face, or what he could see of it whilst refusing meet his eyes, was indeed every bit as glorious as he had suspected. His mouth compressed tightly, twitching down at the edges. His brow furrowed and his left eye twitching slightly. The best part though, was the shade of his ears.

 

Now Harry had been friends with Merlin a long time, the last 25 years or so, yet he had never seen Merlin’s ears turn quite that shade of red before. It was truly astounding. The closest Harry can remember them getting that shade of red was about 10 years ago, when they had both been thoroughly sloshed and Merlin had insisted on following this dog he had found. The next morning they’d woken up in A&E with no recollection of the night before.

 To this day the only thing they knew was that when they’d come round Merlin still had the words ‘free advertising space’ written across his head, Harry was missing an eyebrow and both of them were wearing tutu’s, heavy eyeliner and had acquired about 5 new numbers with strange names like ‘the-one-from-the-bathroom’. Not to mention the angry text Merlin had received 2 days later saying ‘YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF’.

 

Once again Harry was rudely brought back to Earth as his reminiscing was interrupted by his best friend leaning close and speaking in a low menacing tone that did not, in fact, distract Harry from all the lovely nuances of his thoroughly pissed off face or the redness of his ears, which were starting to contrast quite vividly with the rest of his head.

“Harry. Look me in the eye and tell me to my face that you don’t know what I’m on about.”

 Fuck. He was doomed. He knew it. As soon as eye-contact was made, the game would be up. Harry would crack he just knew it, honestly at this point he was just astounded he hadn’t already broken down into fits of hysterical laughter.

At the time, Harry had of course been embarrassed, and maybe a tiny bit guilty. However in the 12 or so hour period since he’d rather gotten over it. Which meant the only one left horrified and mentally scarred was Merlin - probably to the extent he wouldn't even be able to use it for blackmail without suffering a mild nervous breakdown in the process. This was almost too good to be true, even if the moment of revelation was nearing. He took a deep breath and looked up. 

 

“You motherfucker.” Merlin breathed out as he saw the humour and complete lack of shame in Harry’s face. Harry shrugged demurely, even as he struggled to keep his posture nonchalant.

 “Actually I think you’ll find I’m an Eggsy-fucker”

 “Oh my God you arrogant son of a bitch, you’re a fucking toss-pot you know that. How are you not even ashamed!?”

 The volume at which Merlin spoke began to increase. As did the pitch. Something that really did not help Harry in his quest to remain aloof and snarky in the face of how much of a state Merlin was currently in. This had to be a record for most flustered Harry had ever seen the man. He knew he wasn’t helping himself by inciting the wrath of Merlin, but he also knew that given the opportunity Merlin would rip him to fucking shreds over the smallest indiscretion possible. So really it was fair game and there was no way that Harry was going to restrain himself. Especially not when he would instead squeeze all the entertainment he could out of this one incident.

 Even whilst Harry considered his options on how to make this even worse for Merlin, the man in question seemed to have started ranting about just how horrible Harry was and how he wished he’d never become friends with him and really why had he done so in the first place he knew Harry was a terrible person from the day they’d met.

 

“-and please for the love of Spock will you stop sitting there and looking smugly amused at my expense. Don’t think I won’t notice. You like like the cat that got the fucking canary”

 “Well I certainly got something, and that something Merlin was-”

 “Yes thANK YOU HARRY I DON’T NEED TO KNOW” If possible, Merlin's ears got several shades redder. Harry let go of his control just enough to reveal his shit-eating grin - Merlin always used the most delightful turn of phrase when he was out of his depth. The best phrase he had ever heard him use was ‘it’ll cost the eyes from your fucking face’.

 

Merlin flinched away from the desk he had previously been looming over and just stood. Looking down at Harry with a faintly horrified expression on his face.

 “Are you sure Merlin, I could tell you all about how he-”

“NO! ShUT UP SHUT UP SHUT THE SHUT UP I HATE YOU”

Oh this was too much. Merlin had clasped both his hands over his overly red ears and was shaking his head back and forth in denial. He looked like an angry, bald, petulant, five year old. There was no way Harry was keeping a straight face now. He gave in - surrendered to the waves of laughter he had been  valiantly struggling to oppress. It was too much. It was over.

 It started off as a quiet rumbling in his chest and quickly grew in volume, until he was bent over in his chair laughing hysterically. His hair flopped down in his face as he grasped at his ribs and struggled to breathe through the fits of laughter that wrecked his body.

 

“YOU ARE SUCH A TOSS-POT! THIS ISN’T FUNNY, FUCK YOU HARRY. FUCK YOU!”

 Merlin was incensed. Honestly it was not as funny as Harry made it out to be and he would never recover. Ever. Just for this he was going to have to get his own back. He didn’t know how or when he just knew it would have to be truly magnificent. It had been a while since he had acquired new blackmail material on the man, and whilst he certainly wasn’t going to use this, Merlin was sure he could think up something. Maybe he’d send Eggsy on some honeypot missions. That would show him. Then again maybe not, he had no idea how Harry would react but it was highly likely a situation like that would not end up working out in his favour.

By this point Harry had almost recovered enough to make yet another snippy comment - much to Merlin’s horror and disgust.

“Fuck me? No, no, dear chap. Fuck Eggsy. Or I will. I’d rather you didn’t, if you did I would have to remove your spleen and that would be rather unpleasant for  both of us don’t you think”

 

Merlin gave up. He closed his eyes and tilted his head to the ceiling as if praying to some higher power for a way out, or possibly some excellent brain bleach.

“I am no longer your friend and I hate you”

 “You say the sweetest things” Harry smirked. At this point he was lounging back in his chair, a most ungentlemanly position, but then the entire situation was a result of behaviour that would not, feasibly, be described as gentlemanly, by any sane person. Or Merlin for that matter. “Now if you don’t mind, I really do need to finish this paperwork. It’s a bit delayed”

Merlin joined Harry and began to peer over what he was doing. He always ended up editing Harry’s forms anyway, the man never took them seriously and his descriptions often needed… formalising. He had tried to tell the man many times that “then I blew shit up and got the fuck out of there” was nOT the correct way to end a review, but Harry never really listened to him. At least it provided some entertainment.

 “Weren’t these due in yesterday?”

 “Hmm? Oh yes, I suppose they were.” Harry had stopped paying attention at this point, his mind wandering off for the third time that afternoon. It wasn’t that he was absent-minded it was just that he was absolutely shit at doing paperwork. He could never remain focused on it, give him a bomb-plot any day. Merlin however was trying very very hard to not think about what it was that had kept Harry from doing this filing on time.

 Unfortunately for him, he had been friends with Harry for a long time, which meant that they could often tell what the other was thinking - or desperately not thinking as the case may be. Merlin knew he was doomed as soon as he saw the mischievous look slowly creep back over Harry’s face.

 

“I was going to do it, I honestly was; but you see Merlin, when I got home Eggsy was attempting some of these new… um… yoga? -yes let’s go with yoga-  poses he found online. I knew he was flexible but when I walked into my office and saw just how bendy he was I-” Harry would have continued but Merlin finally recovered from his shock at Harry’s sudden return to the subject Merlin was so sure he had managed to bury so deep in a minefield that the other agent wouldn’t dare to approach it. He had forgotten that he was dealing with Harry.

 “Yes thANK YOU HARRY I DON’T NEED TO KNOW.” Merlin abruptly turned and stormed back to the doors, he flung them open and turned back to shout “I KNEW HE WAS A GYMNAST BUT I DIDN’T NEED IT VISUALISED QUITE LIKE THAT” before leaving.

 

Except he didn’t leave, because just as he turned to do exit the room of the official worst-best-friend™, he bumped into someone. A rather short someone wearing a cocky smile that implied the wearer knew far too much for his own good; which was, in fact, usually the case.

 “Sorry bruv, dint see you there.”

 Fuck. Merlin seriously considered head-butting the wall. If he was lucky, he may be able to knock himself out with a strong enough concussion to forget the whole ordeal. He could hear Harry sniggering behind him and Eggsy had definitely just winked at him. May the Lord save him from shameless, horny agents. This was not what he signed up for goddamnit.

 “So Merlin, I heard ya yellin’ bout me gymnastics skills’ Eggsy slowly leaned into Merlin's personal space and with the worst leer Merlin had ever seen added “D’ya want a… practical demonstration?” He wiggled his eyebrows and paused for a few seconds before moving away. Merlin heard Harry’s smothered laughter grow louder as Eggsy began to slink towards the desk.

 

He headbutted the wall. 

**Author's Note:**

> :) Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed it


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